Thursday, December 12, 2013

Am I too Selfish?

Alright, this might be a controversial blog, as I feel as if I am about to admit a blasphemous sin in the world of mothers. 

I vaguly remember watching a Dr. Phil show years ago (back in high school) about a mother and her so called shocking view on parenting. I don't know why this show has stuck in my mind all these years, but I guess it is because it always confused me, as to why this mother was getting so much negative attention. To sum it up, there was a average mother who had written a book ( I have no idea what her name or the name of the book was) about how her world did not revolve around her 3 kids. The most popular line, and the one that sticks out in my mind is when she said, " I love my kids, but I am not IN-love with them." She talked about how she did things with out her kids. Her and her husband and even went on several day long vacations every year with out them on purpose. (I think the kids were like elementary ageish). They did things with their kids too, but she made it point to go out very regularly with her husband (more than the average date night) and did things weekly with her friends too. This mother's point of view was that while yes she was a mother, she was also a woman and wife before the kids came along and why should she give herself up just to be a mom? From what I can remember of the show, she was a middle class women in her 30's and still appeared to be a loving mom. They even brought the kids out and they seemed well cared for and they loved their parents. So why was this women getting publicity I wondered? They seemed like a happy family. I was shocked to find the controversy when the audience began to ask questions. Other moms in the crowd stood up and asked her how she could live with herself?! Why did she even have children is she didn't want to give anything up? How could she say she wasn't in love with her children and they aren't the center of her universe? Some even told her what an awful mother she was! It was all very weird for me watching back then, I truly did not understand what the big deal was. But for some reason this show stayed with me and today I am beginning to understand a little bit more.

Since having a child almost a year and half ago, I have been introduced to the world of motherhood. As any mother will tell you," Motherhood  has it's ups and downs, but at the end of the day, it is totally worth it". I think that is so true and I love my son so much that at times it actually hurts! I would not change anything about my adventure with motherhood and it has been the greatest thing in my life! 

That being said... Here comes the shocking part!

I sometimes miss not having kids. 

(GASP) All the other moms out there, go ahead and judge me. I feel like that is the one things moms CANNOT say. It feels like if you admit you miss your old life than you somehow love you child less. I don't think this to be true at all. And let me explain.

Having a child is rough. People always say it's hard and time consuming but I hardly think you can understand the realities of parenting, until you are a parent. You give up A LOT, if not most of yourself to be a parent. It feels like now-a-days mothering is an art, and you can sometimes learn it, but it is just so obvious the women that were born to be mothers. You all know what kind of mothers I am talking about, the moms that do every craft and cute pin on Pinterest, the mom's that always still looks super hot when they take selfies entitled "So tired, after taking care of the kiddos:)". I role my eyes at these moms mostly because I want to be them lol, and am jealous that I don't have it all together like they do. 
I do like to do things with my child and fun activities. We make things and since I stay at home with my son, my days do revolve around him and doing things for him. We are even involved in a playgroup, which I love, and do kiddy things twice a month. I love taking care of him and spending our days together.

However, it does get boring and lonely and I do miss the freedom I had when I didn't have him. I miss having a social life that didn't revolve around him. I miss going out to movies with my husband whenever we wanted. I miss just picking up and going on a day trip without being stressed about the baby crying the whole way or if we have enough diapers or if it just going to be a miserable trip. I miss doing what I want when I want. I miss taking naps or sleeping in on occasion. I miss being able to finish a book in a few days. I miss having and keeping a clean house. I miss being able to relax. I miss throwing really fun parties. I miss going to the bathroom with out a child banging and crying at the door. I miss being able to go and get my hair done or a pedicure without having to arrange a huge long day sitter. I miss not having the responsibility.

There are so many small things you don't realize you are giving up when you become a mom (and I only have one kid, so I truly can't even compare to people with several!) I think the mom from the Dr. Phil show may have been a bit extreme, but I get her point of view. I think you can love your kids, but still realize that you are a person without them. 

To make this blog even worse, I have another confession. A lot of my friends are family are pregnant right now, and my first thought when they tell me is " I am so glad it's not me!" Truly, that is terrible to admit, of course I happy for them and if that is what they want then I want them to be happy, but all I think about is how much work and stress they have coming their way. As a parent of one toddler, I am happy to leave the baby stage behind. I had even less freedom with a baby and with nursing. It is literally only you and the baby ALL the time! I love sleeping through the night now and  being able to cook a meal while he plays....Clearly, I am not ready for another child at this point and  I think this thought would definitely qualify me as a selfish person! 

To reiterate: I do love my son so very much! If you know either of us I think that is very obvious and I don't feel the need to have to prove it. I do love being a mother and cannot imagine a life where I never got this opportunity! However, I love being a women and a wife too. I don't think just becoming a mother means you have to sacrifice the parts of you that existed before you gave birth. Yes, things are definitely different after becoming a mom and I find myself wanting different things, but I am still me and I still love spending alone time with my husband. I still love going out with my girl friends. I still love baking cakes. I still love so many things that don't have to do with my child. 

So to any moms out there who are feeling the same way, I want you to know that you are not alone and it's okay to be yourself self and not get trapped in the thought that all you are now is a mom and nothing else. You can be both:)


2 comments:

  1. You are dead on with this one. I say all the time some people are baby people and some people have babies. I am clearly the people who have babies category. My life has many layers and being a mom is only one of them. I too enjoy being a woman and baking working out crafting sewing going out with my friends and that doesn't not make me or you a bad person. We're just not the type to fill our homes with 8 children and devote all our moments to them. That's not our calling and and that's okay! I love you friend and I miss your parties too!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I had a second thought reading your post because it was too long but when I started reading it I didn't notice that I am on the last part of it. I would say that is totally normal and there is nothing wrong about your desire to do things you used to do when you still have no kid. It is your opinion and it is not wrong or bad that's totally normal. I support you! Continue loving your child and being you! Great article.

    Military spouse

    ReplyDelete