I'm not ok...

All of a sudden, I am non-essential. About a month ago I was told by the government that my lifestyle was too risky, to be lived, it was determined for me. My lifestyle of living involved taking kids to sports practice and school, helping other moms out carpooling, taking my child to speech therapy and hanging out with friends at the park. We went to libraries, drove to gardens, and discovered new things. This was my life, I worked from home a few hours, went to church, was planning life events, Easter parties, going to grad school, working on my career and letting my kids run, jump, discover, enjoy and experience life. I am a let's go do it-type mom. I am not a Pinterest, organized three-hour activity mom. I am not a home school mom. While I love that some are, it's not me, and I was fine with that fact. I loved having things to do, I loved having things for my kids to do. Yet, everything that made me “Me” and what I did and enjoyed was taken away, without any thought or any one asking me if I considered it worth the risk.



Here’s something you may not know about me, I suffer from anxiety. It’s not a secret and really I will tell anyone who asks, but I don’t shout if from the rooftops. It is/was very well controlled. I managed it by accepting it was there and doing what I need to do. I took breaks from things, I kept busy because that helped me focus on other things. I exercised, got sunshine, had time with friends. I prayed. I took deep breaths and breaks from my kids when needed. I got out of the house. I worked on projects and did things I enjoyed because it made me feel good and needed. I know what I am good at and what I am not. Now though, that is all gone. Where the world used to care about maintaining my mental health, it is now not essential. I am on the back burner and all my “problems” aren’t as important because there are bigger problems. I am not saying people should care about me and not COVID, I am just saying, I am being severely affected by this isolation-in many ways. In many bad ways y’all. And I know a LOT of other people are feeling the same, but are scared to say anything publicly, because you get pinned with the “selfish” title or the “your life isn't that bad, it could always be worse” title. I want to change that. While, I admit yes, my life could always be worse, that argument is invalid, because life could ALWAYS be worse, no matter what is happening, there is always a way to make it worse, so because of that we aren’t allowed to have feelings or sadness? No.


Also, I am extremely thankful for what I have. I have a husband who has a steady income. I have two cool kiddos that I love tremendously. I am thankful for what I have and can see that I do have more than others, but that doesn’t make what is happening not devastating on my life and me as a person. I am aware of the things I do have in my life, and I thank God for them daily.



I realize this is not everyone’s perspective. Some people still lead a relatively normal life. You may be an essential worker, or even a nurse. You get up, go to work, and you have a purpose. Your purpose was not deemed not important enough. Like mine. You are getting to help, to make a difference, you might even love it. You are important enough to keep on living and doing what you enjoyed. The entirety of my life has been wrapped up into -”your job is to stay home” and that's it….nothing more/no choice.



Others might simply be working from home and can’t understand why it is so hard for others not to just “stay home’. Maybe you don’t have kids, or they are older, and being at home with your spouse/family or even alone is relaxing. You are relishing the “slow-down” world and you get to binge watch Netflix shows, re-organize your closet, sleep a bit later and basically take a break. I can imagine that doesn’t seem all bad. You are probably frustrated that others-like me- simply can’t stay home and be happy for the good of the community. You are doing it and it’s fine, but it’s not fine for me.



Your perspectives are valid, and if I were in your shoes, I would likely feel the same. But, not everyone is feeling that way. Not everyone is in your shoes. Not everyone loves the world where basically what they did is no longer even relevant. I'm told, I must home school, I am told I must make the best of it and be happy. I am told I must keep my kids inside and not let them use the playground because someone deemed it too risky. I am told that everything and every way I lived before is selfish….and in a blink of an eye, I simply have to be ok with it for the greater good….I have to be ok living in a world that I hate with no chance of ever making it better. Repeatedly I hear “well, there is nothing you can do about it…” and wow y’all, if that statement doesn’t take your breath away… I don’t know what will.



When I was a child, we were middle class. I never once was scared we couldn't afford food or necessities. But, I did realize there were people with way more money. Some people got new clothes a lot, and new cars at 16. I didn’t. We went out to eat maybe twice a year and went to buffets so we could “make it count” for lunch and dinner. In all honestly we had 6 kids in my family so I get that was crazy expensive ha. My point is, I didn’t grow up extremely privileged, did I have more than some, yes, but I wasn’t coddled and given all the opportunities in the world. Despite this, I never once thought I couldn't do something. Anything I wanted was at my fingertips and I never doubted it. The catch was that I also knew to be or do anything, took a TON of work. I knew I could get straight A’s, but it would take a lot of studying. I knew I could be better than my sister at softball, but it would take thousands of hours of practice to get there. I was comfortable knowing I was capable of anything, if I just worked hard enough. Whether or not I wanted to work that hard was not the point, I knew I could.



This thought process has followed me all my life, until now. The mentality I grew up accepting, is simply gone. For the first time in my life I am being told I actually CAN’t do anything. I don’t have opportunity-the right,  I don’t have a say, I can’t change my circumstance, I can’t speak up, I can’t leave my house without a mask. My identity is gone….



A huge thing I hear people saying after I admit my feelings is this: “ It’s just temporary. Soon, this will all be over and we can get back to normal, just hang in there”. While I understand the good intentions of saying this, and also people just don’t know what to say, I simply can’t get onboard with this ideal. People don’t want to hear, “It won’t ever actually be over”, “old normal will never exist again”, “there will be no ‘life’ to get back to if we continue on this way”. I get it, people cope how they cope and hearing this is too depressing, no matter how true it may be.



I have decided to stop being silent on how I feel. You may not feel this way, and that's fine, but I do, and I am tired of people saying I'm not allowed to- for the safety of public health- feel this way. I feel what we are doing is a mistake. I feel that millions are being negatively affected, weather it be mentally, financially or another way by this "distancing". People say "no life is worth risking" well, at what point do we consider all the lives we are harming by this shut down? Why are the lives lost from COVID more important than the lives lost from its self induced life shut down?



I have to stand up for myself, no matter how unpopular... someone has to speak up and look out for those of us suffering, because we are y'all... and if I could get an honest tally, I would say the number of people who are suffering from mental illness alone right now because of this isolation, is in the millions....the millions....


When does my life/those suffering count again? Or will it only matter if I contract COVID?